Sunday, December 18, 2011
Messy emotions
It feels so good to be able to write again and pour my thoughts into written words. The past two and a half months have been very challenging for my family. My mom was confined in the hospital for Pneumonia and she was there for more than 6 weeks. Each day in the hospital was intense, stressful and nerve wracking. I can't think of a more difficult time in recent years. It was a horrible feeling to watch my mom in pain. Well she's back in the house now but it is still quite a challenging time for us to continue nursing her back to health. My dad likes to pride himself on his bedside doctor abilities but my mom's midwife actually left the job yesterday after he threw such a mad fit last night. I don't want to clutter my blog with details on my dad's bipolar tendencies but suffice to say, it has made things extra difficult. Since I was a child I've had an aversion for messy emotions. I hate crying and screaming fits because it takes so much away from you and accomplishes nothing. It is also weak in my eyes to lose so much control. This is how I was when I was younger, unfortunately I did go through a phase where I was emotional and irrational. That was several years back and I still cringe at the memory. Now I am back to the previous aversion I had for it. When I hear my dad screaming and just generally being irrational, I feel my disdain for it bubbling to the surface but I try my best to hide it. A man, especially should not have such a lack of control. It takes a lot of strength to have full control of your faculties. I suppose this is why I seem a little cold and unaffected to some people.
The wedding etc
Vanessa's wedding of course made all of us very sentimental but there were a lot of funny moments which I would like to enter into the archives if you will:
1. I had a blast with my co-bridesmaid Anna Bigornia, got the chance to ride with her to the venue and we have so much fun trading jokes and anecdotes on Italy. This girl is a karmic soul mate I am quite certain of it. Once, while we were waiting while Vanessa had her pictorial, she spotted alleged Korean tourists in the background and muttered, "insert Korean tourists". Naturally! Hilarious. We were in stitches and everyone of course thought we were quite mad.
2. Anna and I both have naturally curly hair, and we both wanted smoother, polished hair for the event. Well too bad we were handled by a bading hairdresser who of course like the volume on us. So the whole night Anna and I watched out for each other's hair making sure it didn't turn too poodle like.
3. Jim the groom had this crazy idea to make us dance while entering the reception area, the entourage I mean. So I was paired with Thommy who is Puerto Rican and whom Jim warned me to be a great dancer. Anyway, Livin La Vida Loca plays and this of course has everything to do with him. Anyhow, I totally went and did my little walk on my own. I totally left the guy doing whatever. Years of being single gives you VERY bad habits. Bad bad.
4. Also important to note that during the reception, all the men were pretty much lined up to dance with the Puerto Rican wife of Thommy. She had more of a Russian woman look about her but I guess that gets the juices going for the dudes. Even Vanessa's dad was chatting with her at the end of the night. Predictable men.
5. Of course the piece de resistance has something to do with liquor. I left the venue with Rosan, Carl and Darlo but we needed to visit Central Lipa before heading back to Manila. I thought I had a manageable amount of alcohol but when we got there I started feeling dizzy and like I need to throw up. So as I was walking to a nearby table or maybe my intention was to go to the bathroom, I suddenly fainted! I remember hearing Rosan's voice asking if I was ok and immediately I was conscious again. Well I banged my head on the pavement so it throbbed the whole way home. I also woke up with a pretty bad bruise on my thigh. Good times!!!
1. I had a blast with my co-bridesmaid Anna Bigornia, got the chance to ride with her to the venue and we have so much fun trading jokes and anecdotes on Italy. This girl is a karmic soul mate I am quite certain of it. Once, while we were waiting while Vanessa had her pictorial, she spotted alleged Korean tourists in the background and muttered, "insert Korean tourists". Naturally! Hilarious. We were in stitches and everyone of course thought we were quite mad.
2. Anna and I both have naturally curly hair, and we both wanted smoother, polished hair for the event. Well too bad we were handled by a bading hairdresser who of course like the volume on us. So the whole night Anna and I watched out for each other's hair making sure it didn't turn too poodle like.
3. Jim the groom had this crazy idea to make us dance while entering the reception area, the entourage I mean. So I was paired with Thommy who is Puerto Rican and whom Jim warned me to be a great dancer. Anyway, Livin La Vida Loca plays and this of course has everything to do with him. Anyhow, I totally went and did my little walk on my own. I totally left the guy doing whatever. Years of being single gives you VERY bad habits. Bad bad.
4. Also important to note that during the reception, all the men were pretty much lined up to dance with the Puerto Rican wife of Thommy. She had more of a Russian woman look about her but I guess that gets the juices going for the dudes. Even Vanessa's dad was chatting with her at the end of the night. Predictable men.
5. Of course the piece de resistance has something to do with liquor. I left the venue with Rosan, Carl and Darlo but we needed to visit Central Lipa before heading back to Manila. I thought I had a manageable amount of alcohol but when we got there I started feeling dizzy and like I need to throw up. So as I was walking to a nearby table or maybe my intention was to go to the bathroom, I suddenly fainted! I remember hearing Rosan's voice asking if I was ok and immediately I was conscious again. Well I banged my head on the pavement so it throbbed the whole way home. I also woke up with a pretty bad bruise on my thigh. Good times!!!
Another one bites the dust
So one of my close girlfriends got married this friday after a 2 year long distance relationship with her American navy boyfriend. It's not an exaggeration to say this one is for the books. The hours and miles logged on the plane to see each other was not the easiest and makes you think of the complete faith these two had on the relationship. It does not only take effort and time but monetary investment as well. Vanessa is lucky to have the means to do this, but this of course is probably the most inconsequential of all the elements that had to come together to make the relationship work. It was a product of faith. Faith in love, in the heavens, the universe and faith in fate itself. It was not by random accident that these two met in the manner they did and at that point in their lives. In my spiritual study of both kabbalah and the principles of brahma kumaris, we learn that karma is at work in everything we do, and that our actions produce the situations we find ourselves in. During the pronouncement of vows, Vanessa said that two years ago she must have done something right because God gave her Jim. Of course this is all karma. All their acts, thoughts and wants led them to that moment when they were both ready to commit.
Theirs is a story that while seemingly one of a kind, should be looked at as quite simple in fact. Here are two people who believed in finding "the one" and never lost faith in that. These days, people are tired and just want security in their lives. There is no grand search for the other half of your soul because of fear. There is fear of growing old alone, of missing "the boat". I have been single for many years, but it is a completely different kind of fear from the latter, it is a fear of making a horrible mistake and being compelled to live with it. I fear more sleep walking through my life than the insecurity of not having anyone at all. Regardless of my reasons, there is still fear at the root of it all and I have been unable to open myself up to possibilities and expose myself to the vulnerability of feeling anything for anyone.
And so, it has been years since I allowed myself to feel. Most of the time, I operate on a flat line, meaning there is very little that makes me feel alive. Fear has put me in such a place. Being at that wedding at that time was special because I was beginning to close myself off more and more. I saw such certainty between two people and so much faith in what they have. The 2 years before that moment where they took a chance and braved the miles separating them must have been exhilarating for its certainty and uncertainty. In the end, it was worth it. I suppose regardless if things end well or not, we must not lose our humanity and capacity to feel by building walls around our hearts. The possibility of something beautiful shared with another should be enough to take that risk. I will try to always remember this.
Theirs is a story that while seemingly one of a kind, should be looked at as quite simple in fact. Here are two people who believed in finding "the one" and never lost faith in that. These days, people are tired and just want security in their lives. There is no grand search for the other half of your soul because of fear. There is fear of growing old alone, of missing "the boat". I have been single for many years, but it is a completely different kind of fear from the latter, it is a fear of making a horrible mistake and being compelled to live with it. I fear more sleep walking through my life than the insecurity of not having anyone at all. Regardless of my reasons, there is still fear at the root of it all and I have been unable to open myself up to possibilities and expose myself to the vulnerability of feeling anything for anyone.
And so, it has been years since I allowed myself to feel. Most of the time, I operate on a flat line, meaning there is very little that makes me feel alive. Fear has put me in such a place. Being at that wedding at that time was special because I was beginning to close myself off more and more. I saw such certainty between two people and so much faith in what they have. The 2 years before that moment where they took a chance and braved the miles separating them must have been exhilarating for its certainty and uncertainty. In the end, it was worth it. I suppose regardless if things end well or not, we must not lose our humanity and capacity to feel by building walls around our hearts. The possibility of something beautiful shared with another should be enough to take that risk. I will try to always remember this.
Monday, September 12, 2011
9/13/11
Sitting on my work desk in front of my computer, I suddenly felt this urge to do something creative. I googled Paris blogs and decided the best way to start the day was with some inspiration. Paris is one of the most beautiful places I have been to and reliving the whole experience through a stranger's words wasn't such a bad idea.
So there I was reading and soaking it up when I thought it's probably time to update my blog too. Last time I took finger to keyboard was last year and I felt it's time to channel this restlessness and this feeling of ick. Work has changed and I know do fragrances and not shoes and bags. It's been good so far but a dramatic change from what I used to do. I've had no exercise for a damn long time which is one of my problems. Plus, I've been planning on taking french lessons and can't seem to get started. Oh procrastination! Get away from me! So anyway I have a few projects in the pipleline that are sure to keep me busy in the next few months. I'm hoping this gives me more opportunities for socialization. My mom's birthday is coming up next month as well. Wheee time to get busy!
So there I was reading and soaking it up when I thought it's probably time to update my blog too. Last time I took finger to keyboard was last year and I felt it's time to channel this restlessness and this feeling of ick. Work has changed and I know do fragrances and not shoes and bags. It's been good so far but a dramatic change from what I used to do. I've had no exercise for a damn long time which is one of my problems. Plus, I've been planning on taking french lessons and can't seem to get started. Oh procrastination! Get away from me! So anyway I have a few projects in the pipleline that are sure to keep me busy in the next few months. I'm hoping this gives me more opportunities for socialization. My mom's birthday is coming up next month as well. Wheee time to get busy!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Kites
Last week I randomly picked out this dvd at ruins called Kites. I love foreign language films and my curiousity was piqued when I read the synopsis of the movie. It was about a tempestuous love story between an Indian man and a Mexican woman. Sounded good to me. Well as it turns out, I absolutely loved it. Love it. I have watched it non-stop since, and I have done great research on the lead actors Hrithik Roshan and Barbara Mori. They had unbelievable chemistry on the screen I almost wished it was real. The story is so beautiful, honest, passionate, and simply about two human beings connecting at the soul level. It made me hope, and made me believe that yes, there is someone for us. Someone who will see us, understand us, accept us. The music was excellent and I have it on my playlist already.
The lead characters fascinated me completely.
I had spent many hours researching on the lead man, and I have of course discovered that he is a family man, and quite devoted too. It was interesting to listen to him speak about important issues in his life. He's not only beautiful outside, but quite arresting in entirety. His complexities, desires, aspirations are a mirror of what all human beings need to go through in order to reach their highest potentials.
Barbara Mori, the lead female on the other hand embodies the sentimental and passionate nature of latin people. She seems to function 95% by heart. It is a reminder that this life we have should be experienced through our hearts, if we are to leave our mark in this world.
Nothing ever happens by chance, and picking up that DVD has taken me on a rollercoaster ride into my soul. It's been wonderful.Maktub.
The lead characters fascinated me completely.
I had spent many hours researching on the lead man, and I have of course discovered that he is a family man, and quite devoted too. It was interesting to listen to him speak about important issues in his life. He's not only beautiful outside, but quite arresting in entirety. His complexities, desires, aspirations are a mirror of what all human beings need to go through in order to reach their highest potentials.
Barbara Mori, the lead female on the other hand embodies the sentimental and passionate nature of latin people. She seems to function 95% by heart. It is a reminder that this life we have should be experienced through our hearts, if we are to leave our mark in this world.
Nothing ever happens by chance, and picking up that DVD has taken me on a rollercoaster ride into my soul. It's been wonderful.Maktub.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
World Cup disappointments
Nakakainis!!! I want to throw an emotional hissy fit the way the Argentines do. I knew it. I felt it. I just didn't want to believe it. The moment I saw the players preparing to go onto the field, still at the dug out, there was something casual and shall I say, carefree about the Germans mood. The Argentines on the other hand looked skittish and tense. It was a feeling easily translated from the screen to the viewer. I felt a chill in my heart, but I tried to shake off my ALWAYS accurate hunch that the results would disappoint me. And so it has. As Melinda Gordon would always say, I think I have a gift. I have good forecasts into things that could happen. Say, my friend asks if her perpetually postponed trip overseas will finally come through this time, I can tell her based on my hunch. As a matter of fact, my hunches have always been spot on. So you can imagine how unhappy I was to be feeling that muthereffin hunch on the Arg v Ger match.
I have never rooted for a Euorpean team for the WC, save for Azzurri. My heart has always been with the Asians and the South Americans. The South Americans play football like it was part of their very soul. It is magic to watch them. The Europeans have good control, techniques, and superb talent as well, but, I don't feel anything when they play. I don't know. As for the Asians, the affinity is of course that I am asian as well.
Anyhow, my HUNCH has failed me this time. That's it for me and the world cup. Till next time.
I have never rooted for a Euorpean team for the WC, save for Azzurri. My heart has always been with the Asians and the South Americans. The South Americans play football like it was part of their very soul. It is magic to watch them. The Europeans have good control, techniques, and superb talent as well, but, I don't feel anything when they play. I don't know. As for the Asians, the affinity is of course that I am asian as well.
Anyhow, my HUNCH has failed me this time. That's it for me and the world cup. Till next time.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
oh life, oh youth
What a day! Had 2 meetings back to back but just glad that other one is over and done with. Tomorrow is supposed to be really hectic again. Fridays in Rustans are terribly hectic that when it's finally time to go home it's like you just finished a 10k marathon or something. Thankfully, the adage is true. You never feel like it's work when you're doing something you love. Thank god I love what I do that I can keep doing this for 8 - 12 hours and still look forward to the next day.
Soooo..in a couple of days I'm turning thirty one. So we do get old. Fascinating. In my youth I felt immortal and impossibly cool. When my parents belted out tunes from their generation I would roll my eyes and think that my music would be cool no matter what era. I'm not so sure now. The fabulous thing about maturity is this confidence that you gain from the passing years. Only Tiger Woods must have this built in confidence that never wavered. Until the scandal that is. Ugh, enough about the birthday. It's gonna happen and I'll just have to get through it.
Very Random. I realized I have been single for 6 years now. WOW. That long, yeah. I'm trying to sort out how I feel about it. I mean, really, honestly, and without bullshit. First thought? I will wait as long as I should, to find someone who complements me, and I, him. I am pleased for everyone who has that special bond with someone but as for me, I continue to wait. My life has always been rich regardless.
Soooo..in a couple of days I'm turning thirty one. So we do get old. Fascinating. In my youth I felt immortal and impossibly cool. When my parents belted out tunes from their generation I would roll my eyes and think that my music would be cool no matter what era. I'm not so sure now. The fabulous thing about maturity is this confidence that you gain from the passing years. Only Tiger Woods must have this built in confidence that never wavered. Until the scandal that is. Ugh, enough about the birthday. It's gonna happen and I'll just have to get through it.
Very Random. I realized I have been single for 6 years now. WOW. That long, yeah. I'm trying to sort out how I feel about it. I mean, really, honestly, and without bullshit. First thought? I will wait as long as I should, to find someone who complements me, and I, him. I am pleased for everyone who has that special bond with someone but as for me, I continue to wait. My life has always been rich regardless.
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