Touched by an a**hole

I'm gonna make this entry short and sweet. Just a memento or a reminder to beware of the normal looking assholes that abound everywhere. So one dude befriends a girl and goes on dating another. Harmless right? Girl A thinks it's perfectly fine to have a friendship with the dude, it's not like they are dating or are even attracted to each other (she's only met him once for non business purposes), but alas, she was denied maybe three times (to a mutual friend, even) just like Judas denied Christ. Haha. I guess he didn't think it was that innocent after all, or else no need for a denial right? Of course this leaves Girl A very confused and concluding that the dude in question HAS to be bipolar and should probably be shipped back wherever he came from. Seriously, eeew right? Gross things can happen to anyone. Beware!

Rurouni Kenshin

Back in early 2000, I got hooked on this anime series called Samurai X or Rurouni Kenshin in Japanese. It tells the story of the most dangerous and skilled man slayer in the Bakamatsu era who reforms himself and submits to a life of a rurouni or a wanderer, helping people along the way with his reverse blade sword. He swears never to use his sword again to kill. Along the way he battles his demons, trying never to go back to his manslayer ways with the help of friends he meets on his journey. For me it is an honest depiction of a man's struggles with self-judgement and a belief that good can become of something that was evil. Kenshin is what every man would hope to be, strong even in his weak moments, assumes responsibility for every thought and action, and believes in one's worthiness of redemption -- it is never too late.

Musings for the year to come

It is the 19th of December just six days away from Christmas. Honestly, I didn't even feel the season creeping in. I suppose it is true, Christmas seems to be a holiday for children, what with the expectation of gifts and toys. My concern now really is changes I would like to make for the coming year. I do want to travel more next year priority is overseas but I wouldn't mind local travel either. I'm so hungry for new experiences and discovery. Definitely at the top of my list. Next I want to be more serious about my spiritual study which I intend to continue with brahma kumaris. I have put this off a lot this year and while reading books are also good, it is entirely different to have conversations with a guru. Of course I also want to commit myself to something that can help the community. I am still in the process of deciding what I would like to focus on as there are so many that need help and support. The community also means my immediate family, and I know I should have more time to spend with my mother. Lastly, I want to really identify what my vocation will be. We always talk of purpose and for me this is what should drive us to do the things we do. I have already started a small business with a few friends selling organic/natural products and I feel that this is how I see myself in the future. To encourage people to care for the environment and be healthier as a result. I have stopped eating meat for many months now and I couldn't be happier with this decision. All living things have energy and for the longest time I have felt bad about the slaughter of animals. If I can influence people in their ways, then I would have done some good already.

Messy emotions

It feels so good to be able to write again and pour my thoughts into written words. The past two and a half months have been very challenging for my family. My mom was confined in the hospital for Pneumonia and she was there for more than 6 weeks. Each day in the hospital was intense, stressful and nerve wracking. I can't think of a more difficult time in recent years. It was a horrible feeling to watch my mom in pain. Well she's back in the house now but it is still quite a challenging time for us to continue nursing her back to health. My dad likes to pride himself on his bedside doctor abilities but my mom's midwife actually left the job yesterday after he threw such a mad fit last night. I don't want to clutter my blog with details on my dad's bipolar tendencies but suffice to say, it has made things extra difficult. Since I was a child I've had an aversion for messy emotions. I hate crying and screaming fits because it takes so much away from you and accomplishes nothing. It is also weak in my eyes to lose so much control. This is how I was when I was younger, unfortunately I did go through a phase where I was emotional and irrational. That was several years back and I still cringe at the memory. Now I am back to the previous aversion I had for it. When I hear my dad screaming and just generally being irrational, I feel my disdain for it bubbling to the surface but I try my best to hide it. A man, especially should not have such a lack of control. It takes a lot of strength to have full control of your faculties. I suppose this is why I seem a little cold and unaffected to some people.

The wedding etc

Vanessa's wedding of course made all of us very sentimental but there were a lot of funny moments which I would like to enter into the archives if you will:

1. I had a blast with my co-bridesmaid Anna Bigornia, got the chance to ride with her to the venue and we have so much fun trading jokes and anecdotes on Italy. This girl is a karmic soul mate I am quite certain of it. Once, while we were waiting while Vanessa had her pictorial, she spotted alleged Korean tourists in the background and muttered, "insert Korean tourists". Naturally! Hilarious. We were in stitches and everyone of course thought we were quite mad.

2. Anna and I both have naturally curly hair, and we both wanted smoother, polished hair for the event. Well too bad we were handled by a bading hairdresser who of course like the volume on us. So the whole night Anna and I watched out for each other's hair making sure it didn't turn too poodle like.

3. Jim the groom had this crazy idea to make us dance while entering the reception area, the entourage I mean. So I was paired with Thommy who is Puerto Rican and whom Jim warned me to be a great dancer. Anyway, Livin La Vida Loca plays and this of course has everything to do with him. Anyhow, I totally went and did my little walk on my own. I totally left the guy doing whatever. Years of being single gives you VERY bad habits. Bad bad.

4. Also important to note that during the reception, all the men were pretty much lined up to dance with the Puerto Rican wife of Thommy. She had more of a Russian woman look about her but I guess that gets the juices going for the dudes. Even Vanessa's dad was chatting with her at the end of the night. Predictable men.

5. Of course the piece de resistance has something to do with liquor. I left the venue with Rosan, Carl and Darlo but we needed to visit Central Lipa before heading back to Manila. I thought I had a manageable amount of alcohol but when we got there I started feeling dizzy and like I need to throw up. So as I was walking to a nearby table or maybe my intention was to go to the bathroom, I suddenly fainted! I remember hearing Rosan's voice asking if I was ok and immediately I was conscious again. Well I banged my head on the pavement so it throbbed the whole way home. I also woke up with a pretty bad bruise on my thigh. Good times!!!

Another one bites the dust

So one of my close girlfriends got married this friday after a 2 year long distance relationship with her American navy boyfriend. It's not an exaggeration to say this one is for the books. The hours and miles logged on the plane to see each other was not the easiest and makes you think of the complete faith these two had on the relationship. It does not only take effort and time but monetary investment as well. Vanessa is lucky to have the means to do this, but this of course is probably the most inconsequential of all the elements that had to come together to make the relationship work. It was a product of faith. Faith in love, in the heavens, the universe and faith in fate itself. It was not by random accident that these two met in the manner they did and at that point in their lives. In my spiritual study of both kabbalah and the principles of brahma kumaris, we learn that karma is at work in everything we do, and that our actions produce the situations we find ourselves in. During the pronouncement of vows, Vanessa said that two years ago she must have done something right because God gave her Jim. Of course this is all karma. All their acts, thoughts and wants led them to that moment when they were both ready to commit.

Theirs is a story that while seemingly one of a kind, should be looked at as quite simple in fact. Here are two people who believed in finding "the one" and never lost faith in that. These days, people are tired and just want security in their lives. There is no grand search for the other half of your soul because of fear. There is fear of growing old alone, of missing "the boat". I have been single for many years, but it is a completely different kind of fear from the latter, it is a fear of making a horrible mistake and being compelled to live with it. I fear more sleep walking through my life than the insecurity of not having anyone at all. Regardless of my reasons, there is still fear at the root of it all and I have been unable to open myself up to possibilities and expose myself to the vulnerability of feeling anything for anyone.

And so, it has been years since I allowed myself to feel. Most of the time, I operate on a flat line, meaning there is very little that makes me feel alive. Fear has put me in such a place. Being at that wedding at that time was special because I was beginning to close myself off more and more. I saw such certainty between two people and so much faith in what they have. The 2 years before that moment where they took a chance and braved the miles separating them must have been exhilarating for its certainty and uncertainty. In the end, it was worth it. I suppose regardless if things end well or not, we must not lose our humanity and capacity to feel by building walls around our hearts. The possibility of something beautiful shared with another should be enough to take that risk. I will try to always remember this.

9/13/11

Sitting on my work desk in front of my computer, I suddenly felt this urge to do something creative. I googled Paris blogs and decided the best way to start the day was with some inspiration. Paris is one of the most beautiful places I have been to and reliving the whole experience through a stranger's words wasn't such a bad idea.

So there I was reading and soaking it up when I thought it's probably time to update my blog too. Last time I took finger to keyboard was last year and I felt it's time to channel this restlessness and this feeling of ick. Work has changed and I know do fragrances and not shoes and bags. It's been good so far but a dramatic change from what I used to do. I've had no exercise for a damn long time which is one of my problems. Plus, I've been planning on taking french lessons and can't seem to get started. Oh procrastination! Get away from me! So anyway I have a few projects in the pipleline that are sure to keep me busy in the next few months. I'm hoping this gives me more opportunities for socialization. My mom's birthday is coming up next month as well. Wheee time to get busy!

Kites

Last week I randomly picked out this dvd at ruins called Kites. I love foreign language films and my curiousity was piqued when I read the synopsis of the movie. It was about a tempestuous love story between an Indian man and a Mexican woman. Sounded good to me. Well as it turns out, I absolutely loved it. Love it. I have watched it non-stop since, and I have done great research on the lead actors Hrithik Roshan and Barbara Mori. They had unbelievable chemistry on the screen I almost wished it was real. The story is so beautiful, honest, passionate, and simply about two human beings connecting at the soul level. It made me hope, and made me believe that yes, there is someone for us. Someone who will see us, understand us, accept us. The music was excellent and I have it on my playlist already.

The lead characters fascinated me completely.

I had spent many hours researching on the lead man, and I have of course discovered that he is a family man, and quite devoted too. It was interesting to listen to him speak about important issues in his life. He's not only beautiful outside, but quite arresting in entirety. His complexities, desires, aspirations are a mirror of what all human beings need to go through in order to reach their highest potentials.

Barbara Mori, the lead female on the other hand embodies the sentimental and passionate nature of latin people. She seems to function 95% by heart. It is a reminder that this life we have should be experienced through our hearts, if we are to leave our mark in this world.

Nothing ever happens by chance, and picking up that DVD has taken me on a rollercoaster ride into my soul. It's been wonderful.Maktub.

World Cup disappointments

Nakakainis!!! I want to throw an emotional hissy fit the way the Argentines do. I knew it. I felt it. I just didn't want to believe it. The moment I saw the players preparing to go onto the field, still at the dug out, there was something casual and shall I say, carefree about the Germans mood. The Argentines on the other hand looked skittish and tense. It was a feeling easily translated from the screen to the viewer. I felt a chill in my heart, but I tried to shake off my ALWAYS accurate hunch that the results would disappoint me. And so it has. As Melinda Gordon would always say, I think I have a gift. I have good forecasts into things that could happen. Say, my friend asks if her perpetually postponed trip overseas will finally come through this time, I can tell her based on my hunch. As a matter of fact, my hunches have always been spot on. So you can imagine how unhappy I was to be feeling that muthereffin hunch on the Arg v Ger match.

I have never rooted for a Euorpean team for the WC, save for Azzurri. My heart has always been with the Asians and the South Americans. The South Americans play football like it was part of their very soul. It is magic to watch them. The Europeans have good control, techniques, and superb talent as well, but, I don't feel anything when they play. I don't know. As for the Asians, the affinity is of course that I am asian as well.

Anyhow, my HUNCH has failed me this time. That's it for me and the world cup. Till next time.

oh life, oh youth

What a day! Had 2 meetings back to back but just glad that other one is over and done with. Tomorrow is supposed to be really hectic again. Fridays in Rustans are terribly hectic that when it's finally time to go home it's like you just finished a 10k marathon or something. Thankfully, the adage is true. You never feel like it's work when you're doing something you love. Thank god I love what I do that I can keep doing this for 8 - 12 hours and still look forward to the next day.

Soooo..in a couple of days I'm turning thirty one. So we do get old. Fascinating. In my youth I felt immortal and impossibly cool. When my parents belted out tunes from their generation I would roll my eyes and think that my music would be cool no matter what era. I'm not so sure now. The fabulous thing about maturity is this confidence that you gain from the passing years. Only Tiger Woods must have this built in confidence that never wavered. Until the scandal that is. Ugh, enough about the birthday. It's gonna happen and I'll just have to get through it.

Very Random. I realized I have been single for 6 years now. WOW. That long, yeah. I'm trying to sort out how I feel about it. I mean, really, honestly, and without bullshit. First thought? I will wait as long as I should, to find someone who complements me, and I, him. I am pleased for everyone who has that special bond with someone but as for me, I continue to wait. My life has always been rich regardless.

More rambling..

I've decided I have more to say, thus a follow-up to my previous entry. I suppose it can be revealed here and now that I am planning a trip to Europe next year. I have a friend based in Morroco and she will be joining me for that delicious sojourn. Top of the list of course is my much awaited and anticipated return to Firenze. I plan to be away for a good 21 days, and 7 days will be for Italy alone. I want to see my friends, visit my school and basically retrace my steps from years back. I wonder how much has changed, or perhaps how much I have changed. I hope to be able to see other parts of Italy but how I can squeeze all of this in 7 days will be a test on my planning skills. In Italy, it will be more like a return home, after being away for so long.

Next stop will be Spain, another place which is etched into my memory and which I promised to go back to. I was hoping to return with a man, but, oh well. This time I want to see Madrid and them Malaga. I was going through the FB photos of one my friends and she had been on a trip to Spain herself, The photos were so beautiful which makes me all the more excited. As an ode to the beauty of one Portuguese man, I must absolutely go to Portugal. Frankly I'm not sure what to expect. Although I know the country being that it's so close to North East Africa has some Moorish influences.

Last stop will be Morroco where my friend is currently based. I will of course HAVE to get on a camel, visit Marrakesh, and try one of those Morrocan spas.

So the plan is to work like hell this year and reward myself for a job well done next year.

Last Saturday I caught myself watching this reality show NYC Prep and damn, however inane that silly show was, I could NOT move from where I was sitting. It's so silly that you just want to stick around and see who's gonna do the next dumb thing, or say the next stupid thing.Those kids live in this mad bubble created by parents who don't give a sh*t. That being said, it's not so bad to have all that for maybe, say, a week in a month. But at the end of it, I would want to go back to my normal life. Hands down.

Another year...

My birthday is coming up pretty soon and as usual I am feeling uneasy about it. I'm trying to figure out where the discomfort is coming from. Do I feel like crap because I'm not where I imagined myself to be or just plain sad about getting old. I'm not really thinking about babies, although this should be a concern I suppose. Maybe it's a question of, am I growing? Am I wiser? Am I better? If I could honestly say that I was, then maybe I wouldn't feel so crappy. I don't know. I'm not really sure. God knows I want to be a better person. I want to do better at my job, work on relationships, share more. So am I better? Perhaps I am. For one thing I am not such a reactive person anymore. I try my best at least. When I think back at my younger self it makes me cringe.

A loooong week.

Some weeks are just more hellishly busy than others and this week is one of them. It's like everyday is packed with things to do, people to meet, reports to finish. Tomorrow there's an Italian Festival event at Rustans Makati and of course we're all required to go. Apart from that we have store visits to do in the morning. On Friday, there's a meeting with top management about something really crucial to Aerosoles. The meeting is supposed to start at 5pm by the way. I can't imagine what time we'll finish. Atleast I'll cap the day by watching the portugal - brazil match at a sports bar where all the expats supposedly go. That should be fun. In other news, Charice Pempengco is joining Glee for one season I think. That's a luck girl right there. Lea Salonga should be given a part too. She's a broadway trained singer and actress, she'd be perfect! Oh I wish I could sing too.

In other, other news. Damn all the South American and Mediterranean soccer players are pretty hot stuff. What I'd give to have a peek inside the men's locker room.

Given the chance, I'd have a look at: ( In random order)

1. Portugal
2. Italy
3. Mexico
4. Argentina
5. Spain
6. Paraguay
7. Uruguay

I mean, even with clothes on, they sizzle already, seriously.

World Cup, etc

My days have been filled with futbol matches and work as usual. I really, really enjoy the world cup games because the energy is just so different from the regular matches of course. There's so much passion, sacrifice, and emotions that come come into play. Plus the level of skill is just magnificent and a joy to watch. The last match that left me breathless was Argentina vs. South Korea. Insane amount of talent the Argentinians have. It was pretty clear the South Koreans were intimidated.

I have been counting down the days till the end of the month for two reasons. July marks my birthday and second, it is the start of FW10 season..which means business review again. In fashion retail, we divide the seasons to Spring/Summer and Fall/Winter. In terms of months, it's Jan-June for SS and July-Dec for FW. I have been pushing hard to reach my sales plans for the season but sometimes situations are beyond your control. It is just excruciating to have to explain to top management why the numbers are so, however justified the reasons may be. But I guess you do what you can and that's really all we can promise. I still have a week and a half to go so I'm not giving up!

I am quite happy though that I've achieved an important goal for the year which is to get promoted. Yay! Not bad at all. I am aiming to get everything on that list so there's more to cover for me.

I have been seriously eyeing this pair of shoes at Rustans but I am biding my time till the End of Season Sale next month. Just hoping that no one buys it before then.

Universe willing..

I lost the post I was writing so maybe the universe was telling me it was crap. Anyway, major issue # 1: Impending birthday which I would like to sleep through if possible and wake up the next morning 25 again. Major issue # 2#: What is up with all the unsolicited relationship advice? The problem seems to be that I am not in one. Thus, giving people license to dispense advice. Major issue # 3: Figuring out what I must engage in AW ( After Work). You see, I have lots of interests, I am fascinated by the philosophies of yoga and kabbalah, I love foreign films, and I have taken to eating very healthy food lately. How I am supposed to condense all my interests into one unifying activity is beyond me.Major issue # 4: I really must stop checking work emails from home. This webmail stuff is totally throwing me off course.

Time to kick start

Gosh this feels so strange. I haven't visited my site in a long time. I guess there wasn't anything to say. It's been a whirlwind past couple of months and I can't even say it's slowing down already. Anyway, my sister is still in Vietnam but it feels like she's just nearby coz we YM and text so much. I still miss her though. It's hard to fill in her "big sister" shoes. Speaking of shoes! I'm so excited about my new project! Well one of the many, I suppose. Check out the DC kicks here on my site. They're a steal for P3200. I hate to sound like a TVC. But seriously, these are great gifts for the holidays. How's everyone doing??

Out of the closet

Sometimes you think that you're stepping out of your comfort zone, but really, you aren't. Have I really? Well I lived away from home for about a year, but my parents supported me financially the entire time. So does that count? Maybe it does, but it could have been more meaningful if I had tried to support myself. I realize that all the things I have done in my life was a result of my "searching." You know that empty feeling that while you have "stuff", what does it really mean to have them when you didn't work for them? I was never satisfied and I wanted to really give something back. To put it simply, I was looking for my purpose.

Recently I've had a few surprises at work, both good and bad. I think I've said this before but the work that I do is something I love and I feel lucky that I wake up in the morning to do the kind of work I do. It hasn't been a completely smooth run and I think I only realized recently that I needed a change. I needed to grow. Well as usual, the universe cooked up just what I needed, at the right time, and the right place. I've been given the opportunity to welcome a new challenge. I'm still waiting to see if this is really what's meant for me. No worries for me. I trust that things will happen if they should.

Age age go away

I don't know when I started getting uneasy whenever I was asked my age. Maybe at 26 I started feeling "over the hill" so to speak. Now, I can consider it downright rude when someone asks my age. It's not that people have ever accurately guessed my age, it's just that maybe I'm not where I thought I would be at this age. Which begs the question.."why am I still single?'" Yep I'm putting the question out there. The universe should answer in kind, this is driving me crazy really.

Hairy story

"All your searching ends when you find yourself"

How many times have we heard the line, or even said it ourselves..that we need to "find ourselves." I just have to add a funny anecdote about a movie, where one character -- apparently inspired by Gwyneth Paltrow, was told.. "Oh Honey, you just need to look under the nearest man." The truth does hurt sometimes. So why am I saying this? It has something to do with my hair. See, the thing is I have naturally curly hair and I fought it for years. I've tried every treatment and procedure that promised soft, straight hair. I used to think, if I just go to the right salon, the right stylist, and buy the right products, I will have the hair that I've always wanted. But I only ended up frustrated, tired, broke and still searching.

So as a last resort I thought, why not just go with the natural? I grew out my hair, had it colored and got the right cut. As someone who can be a resource person for all matters concerning salon hair treatments, I'd have to say, I have never been happier and more satisfied.

Today I went to work with bangs and straight hair. I had a salon treatment during the weekend and my hair was blown out as a result. It's funny how much attention my straight hair had gotten. The reviews have been mixed. Some girls loved the hair and said I looked younger. One girl felt sad when she thought I had ditched the wild mane. But what was more striking to me was when one of my officemates said that the "new" hair was nice, but she liked my curly hair because it was more me. As a matter of fact, I couldn't agree with her more. I promptly assured her the straight hair was only temporary, and that I would have my curly locks back in no time. Like I said, all the searching ends when you find yourself. And that goes for hair too. Haha.

Rollin with the punches

I felt the need to resurface after that sinfully long holiday break. Actually, it wwas a little too long. Physically I am well and rejuvenated but I guess emotionally I've taken quite a beating. Something that had dragged on for 2 years has now gone on its final curtain call. I realize that it's fitting that this happened during the start of the year so I can let go of all the baggage. I need to purge myself of all the bad stuff and let the great stuff into my life. I'm tired, sad, a little bit regretful but it's all part of the cleansing process to deal with this now.

Something tells me I'm ready for that 2nd tattoo which comes 2 years after the first. I waited to feel that need, and it's back with a vengeance.

Well here's to a rockin' 2009.