Food for the soul

I have a tattoo on my inner wrist on my right hand that reads Vivere. It simply means "to live." After my stay in Italy, I decided that I would never forget to live my life in the manner that is meaningful to me and for people around me. I had been feeling pretty burnt out from all the work I was doing, I had been going home at 9.30-11pm most nights. My job gives me a lot of fulfillment but I needed to have balance. An invitation from my friend to join a kayak competition turned up about a month ago and I readily volunteered to join. My experience with the kayak had been mostly recreational. I loved kayaking at the beah whenever I had the chance. The organizer had found a tandem partner for me and this basically sealed the deal. I was going.

When I got there the day before the event, I was overwhelmed with the warmth of the organizing group. I was immediately assimilated into their group and soon enough they were passing out beers to everyone. I only had one bottle as I was joining the novice 7.8k race the next morning. The beer and good conversation distracted me from the fact that I was basically by myself. The next morning, my good friend Vanessa Garon arrived with her team. They were a funny and entertaining bunch, and when they saw I was nervous about the race, the encouragement and support made me smile. I wish I could put down in words how inspiring it was to be part of that event and to have met all the awesome people I did. On the way to the resort I was staying in the previous night, Pat, who was part of the organizing committee told me "Iba din ang trip mo ha." This was in reference to my decision to join the race and come alone. In my mind, it has always been a sure fact. The best experiences come from being spontaneous and having faith that things will work out if you want it enough. I wanted to feel connected to the world and to challenge myself in a different way. I've also always been a water person. Anything that will get me in the water is a good thing.

My only goal coming into the race was to finish the course. It was a grueling 2 hour route, and for someone with no previous experience and practically no practice, this seemed rather impossible. But as I was in the water, paddle in hand, waiting for the starting signal, my competitive spirit was ignited. More than anything I wanted to complete the course.... even if my team finished last. Guess what? we didn't finish last, and now I have a certificate saying I completed a 7k course. As we were in the last stretch to the finish line, I could hear Vanessa and her team cheering me on. It was a great moment and I gave myself an imaginary pat in the back.

What can I say? Some of the most amazing experiences I've had, happened when I wasn't planning, calculating, or maneuvering. There will be more.

Life, oh life

It's 10.25pm and I am still at the office. Yesterday I clocked out at 8pm. This crazy work schedule is killing me! No matter how early I get to the office, it's like I never get even half of the work done. There are reports, meetings, and more reports. I need a life!! Now!

Ever been called a Lah vah?

lov·er (lvr)
n.
1. One who loves another, especially one who feels sexual love.
2. lovers A couple in love with each other.
3.
a. A paramour.
b. A sexual partner.
4. One who is fond of or devoted to something: a lover of fine food.

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Well, well, well...

So stop

I just realized that I use the words "stop" and "enough" way too many times in this blog. Yikes! Not a very good sign. Must be why I've been feeling so crappy lately. I've had to put a halt or purge myself of rotting bad habits.

Foot in Mouth Disease

It's come to a point where there are no excuses anymore. I don't know why I do it, or how I do it, but I always end up with my foot in my mouth. Lately, I have been really trying to consciously control any raging emotions that just threaten to spill out of my mouth. This was not a practice in the past. I would just let it out if I wanted. But with age, I've also come to realize that in this world, there is not just me.Haha. Other people have feelings that need care. Just as mine do. My sister told me it will take time to slowly change. Kind of like a muscle that's never been exercised before. The process will be long and arduous. But man, if I can avoid that downright disgusting feeling of wanting to bang my head against the wall after mouthing off like a crazy person, then I am willing to go through this process. No more. It's enough. It's enough.

STop!!!

I can't do this to myself. I can't. I can't. How can I allow one person to cause me so much misery?? People are truly masochistic by nature.

Enough Mariless. Enough. Stop. Stop.

I can't believe I lost an entire post just now! WHat's up with this erratic connection? Sheesh.

Anyway, the past week was very stressful for me. I won't go into detail but it is both personal and professional. The professional part is an enjoyable stress whereas the personal part is just plain difficult.

The events of the past week had gotten me to thinking about a certain situation which I had believed for the longest time to be just the way I perceived it. I've had a change of heart. I've been allowed to see another side to the equation. I am just happy to be proven wrong.

One chapter in "The Pilgrimage" engages us to think about "impossible" answers to questions we might have. Maybe the way to come up with the right answers is to come up with the most extreme ones. The ones we think could NEVER be the right one. I mean, what if? Maybe he DOES love you, maybe she was hurt, or maybe, it is true this time. I'll try it, what the hell.

Temper, Temper

EEeeeekk! So early in the morning and I managed to send out bad vibes to the world. Poor manang got an over the phone scolding from me because of a silly thing. I should do something about this temper of mine that can rival an active volcano. I want to apologize but it feels weird. Funny thing was, as soon as I ended the call I felt so bad right away. So sorry Manang! I can't manage to do it in person but I will apologize to you here. I hope you can hear me.

Let's get a little bit crazy

There are just some days where you just want to take a break from the daily grind and just mull over why you do what you do. I find answers when I watch movies, open a random chapter from my favorite book, "The Pilgrimage" by Paulo Coelho, or just talk to a friend who knows me best. Sometimes, I even read my notes or writings from one of my little notebooks. The answers all come to me when I do any one of these things, and I always feel strengthened again.

Some people say they do what they do because they have to survive. Survival for me does not equate to merely existing and going through the motions. I want to "survive" as a human being, with a soul that has a purpose. When you feel that you are here for something more, and it's your duty to discover that, days and nights are not easy =)

And so, it's one of those days again for me. I was lucky enough to catch the last 15 minutes of Ratatouille last night on the disney channel, and it's so true that when you sincerely seek answers -- you get them. Here are some of my favorite quotes from the movie.

Django: [showing the exterminator shop to Remy with the dead rats in the window] The world we live in belongs to the enemy, we must live carefully. We look out for our own kind, Remy. When all is said and done, we're all we've got.
[Django starts to walk away]
Remy: [defiantly] No. Dad, I don't believe it. You're telling me that the future is - can only be - more of this?
Django: This is the way things are; you can't change nature.
Remy: Change is nature, Dad. The part that we can influence. And it starts when we decide.
Django: [Remy turns to leave] Where are you going?
Remy: With luck, forward.

Remy: I just lost my family - all my friends - probably forever.
Gusteau: How do you know?
Remy: Well, I - I... You are an illustration; why am I talking to you?
Gusteau: Oh, you just lost your family - all your friends - you are lonely.
Remy: Yeah, well, you're dead!
Gusteau: Ahh, but that is no match for wishful thinking! If you're focused on what you've left behind, you will not be able to see what lies ahed. Now go up and look around!

Gusteau: [Remy is locked in a cage] So, we have given up.
Remy: Why do you say that?
Gusteau: We are in a cage inside the car trunk awaiting a future in frozen food products.
Remy: No, I'm the one in a cage. I've given up. You are Free.
Gusteau: I am only as free as you imagine me to be. As you are.
Remy: Oh, please. I'm sick of pretending. I pretend to be a rat for my father. I pretend to be a human through Linguini. I pretend you exist so I have someone to talk to! You only tell me stuff I already know! I know who I am! Why do I need you to tell me? Why do I need to pretend?
Gusteau: But you don't Remy. You never did

Anton Ego: In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations, the new needs friends. Last night, I experienced something new, an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto: Anyone can cook. But I realize, only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau's soon, hungry for more.

Gusteau: You must be imaginative, strong-hearted. You must try things that may not work, and you must not let anyone define your limits because of where you come from. Your only limit is your soul. What i say is true - anyone can cook...but only the fearless can be great.

Olympic Fevah

I've been wanting to see the 4 X 100 men's relay on youtube and finally I had time to do it.Man!! That was awesome, absolutely amazing! I was really rooting for the American team because, I felt like they were the team with more heart. That last stretch at the finish line was truly classic, the heart and the will to win made all the difference I think.

If you haven't seen it, watch the video below

When I grow up

I have been "bingeing" on warrior/epic movies for the past two weeks and I love it. The only thing I have to see again is "The Last of the Mohicans" which in my book is the first real action/warrior movie. Just the opening scene alone gives me goosebumps. I've always been a sucker for these sort of movies. Blame it on my dad whow would make us watch army soaps like "Nam tour of duty" when we were but children. But why do I still like it as an adult? It's a combination of many things 1.) Hot alpha male hero 2.) fantasmic fighting skills 3.) cheesy dialogue which I can relate to 4.) strong heroine who would fight side by side with her man.

My favorite heroine would be the Queen of Sparta in 300. She's fierce! Second would be Madeleine Stowe in The Last of the Mohicans. Ah..I'll never forget that exhange between her and DDL.."What are you looking at Sir?" "I'm looking at you miss." Confidence will never be out of style, and a man should have that in ample quantity.

Aside from the obvious, I think I have been watching these movies because they speak to me on a different level about how one should look at life. What does it mean to grow old til you're 80 when you have not truly lived? or have remained nameless to the world? In one scene a boy says to Achilles.."The Thessalonian you're fighting, he is the biggest man I've ever seen, I wouldnt want to fight him." and Achilles answers "That's why no one will remember your name." In Gladiator, Maximus shouts out before battle "What we do in life, echoes into eternity." Even listening to PCD's song "When I grow up" there's a line that says "So go ahead and say what you wanna say, You know what it's like to be nameless, Want them to know what your name is."

Can anything be more scary than being nameless and forgotten? of not having done something for the world? I think not. Do it. Whatever it is. Regret is a bitch.

You know how the question, "what do you really want?" always manages to stump anyone? Not me. Not now. There is something that I really, really want right now and I am putting all my energy and thoughts into making it happen. I totally believe that if your whole being is focused on that one thing that you want, the universe will conspire to give it to you. Just ask Oprah. hehe.

I've been thinking back and there have been many times in my life when, if I really needed or wanted something, I usually got it. The sequence of events always go my way. It wasn't always easy, but if my heart was in it, the results were always positive. There were times when I thought I worked to get something and absolutely wanted it, but clarity comes and I realize that it was neither meant for me nor what I really wanted to begin with. The world works in strange ways.

Bottom line, there is something I want so much that it's as if I already have it. It's that real to me. I can taste it, feel it, and see it. I want it. I want it. It's mine.

Who knew?

All along I thought the end of the world would come in the manner of every other apocalypse type movie to ever come out. First there was Armageddon, then in the aftermath of the Anthrax scare, there was 28 Days (then 28 days later). We all knew it would be big, scary, and very cinematic. But it was all too simple. Oil! It's just oil! Just read the news. People all over the world are freaking out and taking to the streets to protest this huge problem on energy. If we all don't shape up and learn to deal with this problem by going back to basics, I'm pretty sure we are all doomed. I better learn to ride a bicycle then.

Faith

I watched the first 20 mins of "The Secret" on youtube and I've decided to give it a shot. I know that there is nothing that a person cannot achieve if he really sets his mind to it. But what about getting something tangible, produced only by thoughts and feelings? Can we really attract, like a magnet, our deepest desires? whatever that may be? I have faith that this is so. During these uncertain, and chaotic times, we have to believe this more than ever.

Singapore Fashion

On any trip I go to, I am always on the look out for local style. This trip was no exception. So how do Singaporean women fare in the fashion scale? Not bad. I like it actually. The trend I have seen with Oriental women is that they are very feminine, have a penchant for heels, and wear dresses as much as we wear jeans. Of course I was never the girly girl type but I do see the pleasure in wearing easy dresses, whatever style you are into. I really wanted to stop some of the girls in the street to take their pictures but the pain I felt from my feet kind of distracted me. Anyway, not anyone can look hot in a dress, which is why 99.5% of the women I saw were reed thin. It was inspiring, and frustrating at the same time. Honestly, I felt a wee bit fat.

Of course, for Singaporean women, shopping is both a sport and an art. It's Sale season right now, and let me tell you, whatever time of the day, there were women in the stores. Maybe if my feet weren't so sore, I would have been more motivated to look around, but surprisingly, the urge just wasn't there. As always, new people and surroundings inspire me and influence me in some way. I try to pick up something, from wherever it is I go to. More dresses for me in the future!

Joy in the unexpected

Thurrsday, 12pm, my boss calls me over and tells me I will be leaving for Singapore the next day. She was supposed to attend the meeting but could not do so due to a medical emergency, plus she had just returned from Paris a few days before. I was stumped. My ticket, allowance, and TOA were accomplished in a few hours. I was all set. I sent a text message to my friend Cecil who's been there for 3 months. She told me to bring her liver spread. So there I was at the airport, 6am in the morning, waiting for my 7.20am flight. I had only packed a few articles of clothing and an extra pair of shoes for my meeting.

As soon as I arrived in Changi airport, it was like my traveler instincts kicked in at the same instant. I wanted to get out of the airport as soon as possible and get things going. I hopped onto a cab and started observing. The streets were pristine, and lined with trees. I arrived at the hotel about 16 minutes later and immediately got in touch with Cecil. It would be the start of our whirlwind "date" as I called it. We met up at the Raffles City Mall because I wanted to check out our brands and I knew a Swarovski boutique was there, which is the reason I was in Singapore in the first place. From the time we met to our last minute together, Cecil and I could not stop talking. It seemed that being in a new environment forged a new bond between us. We were like two friends testing each other's boundaries. We teased each other that we should have been doing all that stuff with our boyfriends. Oh well, friends are even better.

We carried each other's heavy stuff (my laptop), waited for each other, shared a tiny pink umbrella, walked like there was no tomorrow, and frantically hailed a cab when we realized it was already 11pm and my flight back to Manila was at 12.15am. I even waited for like, 30 mins just so she could walk around Mango to end up buying nothing. Yep, classic boyfriend duties. We were both doing things we never thought we would do for each other, being that we are admitted "bratinellas." She tried damn hard to show me a good time given that we only had barely 48 hours. Going there to do my job was the easy part, but it was spending time with my friend that taught me a lot of things. I'll never forget that time we shared. And we told each other, hopefully next time, it will be a double date with our men. Haha. Till next time my friend.

Like good wine

"I like not to shock" she says, "But there must be provocation. A girl should never be with bruise or violence. But there must be sex." - Carine Roitfeld

I think I have a "girl" crush on Carine Roitfeld, the Editor-in-Chief of French Vogue. I love her style and sensual french sensibility. What a cliche to use "Joie de vivre" on a french woman but she is the poster girl for that no question. Although I am admittedly, a fan of the Italian culture, foremost of which is Italian style, I have found that it is Carine's own brand of French chic that I am drawn to the most. She is not always polished, her hair is almost always just around her face, although with great coloring. Her makeup is very, very age appropriate, very subtle but sexy. I'd just like to remind everyone that the woman is in her 50s. Amazing huh? Her daughter Julia Restoin is clearly getting pointers from mamere. They looked amazing at Cannes.

Age aside, the woman still exudes that air of sensuality, that only a woman of a certain age can have. Her clothing is just one part of the Carine persona. Her smile, body language, and energy all form part of what makes her unique. Having said that, I'd just like to add that her shoes are ALWAYS fierce. They spell S-E-X.

Musings on a rainy saturday

I'm not the sentimental type. I don't gush at the sight of babies, or swoon at romantic songs filled with promises of happily ever afters. I guess my feet are just too planted on the ground. I live in planet earth and not some disneyland storybook. As I have matured (as opposed to just getting older), this character trait has only strengthened. I am no expert when it comes to relationships, I mean, I only had one which lasted 6 years....and then some. It was a stormy, tempestuous relationship and I learned a lot from it. I still am. Anyway, suffice to say, this only hardened me even more. I thought that at one point after that breakup, I had allowed myself to open up again, but maybe I was only fooling myself. Barely a year after that "thing", I could not imagine why I was so hung up on that person. It was quite sad. And so I am back to sqaure one. Trying to figure out why I feel so...little these days. I am never disappointed beacuse I don't expect anything from people. Frankly it bothers me.

I guess being not sentimental follows that I don't know anything about romance. I mean, what is that? But I am not so hardened that I cannot recognize when it is the real thing. That is when I truly start feeling like I am missing out. I don't really care much about couples per se, but when I do see a pair, who radiates with love, acceptance and happiness, that's when it matters to me. I start to think..I wonder how it must feel, to love someone so completely? And more importantly, will it ever happen to me? only time will tell.

They just don't get it

It's such a sad thing when the people who are supposed to be the closest to you, don't really get you. This is a fact that I have come to realize, and it's ok. As long as there are other people who care enough to get to know the real me, then I'm still lucky. I'm not much of a talker, I mean I can talk up a storm when I know the person very well, but I am basically a reticent person. Sometimes I think this backfires on me because I let people assume what they want to. I guess I will only explain myself when I feel that the issue is something worthy of such a thing. Otherwise I just let it be and allow things to unfold. That's just me.

An ode to the laptop

So finally I got around to having my laptop checked out at powermac in greenbelt. It had gone nuts on me a couple of months ago and I've either been too busy or too lazy to do anything about it. But I think I was more scared of what the diagnosis would be. I was scared that the repair man would tell me that the memories I had stored in that tiny thing, my best memories yet, documented in photos, words, and music, were lost forever. How do I deal??

Me is very sad. I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

lee seung chul 소리쳐

So ri cho (Shout)

Recharged

What a great long weekend. No, I didn't really do anything special but it was still a great time to relax and enjoy my time alone or with the folks. I think I was online for most of the weekend just listening to music, surfing, and downloading stuff. I had time to catch up on my reading and discovered some cool sites. I think the only time I left the house was for the gym. It's hard to think about the outside world when you're so engrossed in the cyber world. haha.

Ok, so it's no secret, to my friends atleast, that I love anything oriental. Food, music, movies, fashion..and, er..the men too. Funny but when I got back from Italy, everyone immediately assumed I hooked up with an Italiano. The thing is, I never really had the hots for westerners. It's just a preference thing. The only white man who's ever given me chills just with a look (from the silver screen) is Brad Pitt. I have loved that man since I was...hmmm...12 or 13. I even sent him a cassette tape (ancient times) of my favorite love songs and a card. Good times.

So there, I have always been more inclined towards the oriental male. Ok, maybe not always, I did have my Edward Furlong, Backstreet boys phase. Omigosh wait! There is another man not from the asian culture whom I absolutely adore. I LURVE Simon Webbe from the defunct boy band BLUE. I can't believe they wen't here a couple of times and I didn't even get to see him. I "discovered" him two years ago in his music video for the song "After all this time." My eyes were just glued to him the entire time! He is just oozing with that thing called sex appeal. And all he did was walk around London! Ladies, check out that video, pronto.

Ok, going back to my fascination with all things orientalia. I love this Korean singer Lee Seung Chul. He has a soothing and heartfelt way of singing, so even if I don't understand the lyrics, just listening is enough. I particularly like his song "So ri cho" which means "shout" or say it out loud. Something like that. The theme of the video is pretty strange, but the last few minutes of it is so wistful and sad that you kinda forget the weird situation the characters are in. Anyway, I've posted the video so you can check it out for yourself.

Gym day

"Your serenity is based on taking responsibility without taking blame, and letting go without giving up."

There goes another meaningful "thought for the day." Acknowledge that whatever happens to you is because of your own actions and words. But just taking the blame merely makes you a victim. Got it. Loud and clear. But what about giving up without letting go? I guess it just means that you don't close your doors on whoever, or whatever it is. Keep yourself open but do not keep attachments! That's the worst thing you can do.

So yesterday I went to the gym after work, and boy, did I need that. I had stuffed myself with empanadas and a big lunch so I really felt like I had to burn the calories. My trainer was so surprised when I launched into the workout so energetically coz usually I'm so tired after work. I was actually surprised myself! I didn't know empanadas could be such awesome energy boosters. I actually try to to go to the gym atleast three times a week, sometimes I forego the usual routine by doing yoga-- which I find challenging and great for relaxation as well. I love capping a great workout by popping in the sauna. I prefer it to the steam room somehow.

I'm really starting to get into this whole wellness lifestyle. I've started cutting down on eating meat, and hopefully I can give it up altogether. I also like eating my greens now. It used to be such a pain but not I like it. It feels good when you've consumed greens instead of the usual heavy carb, oily diet Filipinos are so used to. I cannot imagine going back to eating that kind of stuff. I'm hoping my mom will get a juicer soon so we can prepare fresh fruit juices at home. The downside is that keeping healthy can get a little expensive. I mean, if you want your products to be all organic, just take a look at healthy options, it's not cheap! And I do love getting pampered at the spa too. I live for massages and scrubs. There's this spa place in BF Homes, Rodeo Spa and they have a great menu of services. I like getting the leg scrub and massage. I also get my massages there but for someone who's really good at massages (me!), it's ben difficult to find someone who can go up my standards. So far the best has been my gym trainer. Haha.

Drive myself Crazy

The weekend is not over yet but I feel spent ---- emotionally and physically. I have been experiencing challenges with some relationships and even if I thought I could get through this as I always do, this one has proven more difficult than I thought. For one, this problem has been dragging on for some months now, with no positive resolution in sight. I don't care to get into the details of it because it is still something I'd like to keep private. There have been many realizations, about myself and those close to me. Admittedly, I'm the type of person who keeps everything on the surface. If I am upset, or sad, or happy, these are all very obvious as soon as you see me. I don't like to keep things inside. As much as possible I want to free myself from that kind of burden.

My current problems have revealed to me that I do keep things bottled up inside. The important things that influence me in a big way. I have been hurt by people close to me and I have been like an uncontrollable water tap because of it. Looks like I have been nurturing years of resentment and I am processing these feelings just now. I don't know how all of this will end but I am just glad that the purging process has begun.

Ariva!

Who would have thought? Me. Me! I never thought I would be the type to be a slave to the 9 to 5 gig, but lo and behold, I have become the 8-7 girl with the way things are going. I can't say that I am 100% corporate because I'm into fashion retail, but this is still very much a business landscape however you look at it. My days are spent looking at numbers, computing for margins, managing inventory, analyzing sales trends..you get the picture. As a lover of fashion, it saddens me that my only relationship with shoes and bags now is deciding whether I can get good margins from it. Don't get me wrong, this business is challenging, dynamic, and exciting, but it is STILL a desk job and requires a lot of number crunching. (ME! number crunching!)

So anyway, the other day, I watched this TV show where they were talking about creating a "visual map" in order to remind yourself everyday, of what you want to achieve and why you do what you do. It's like putting your dreams in actual pictures. This is pretty easy to do since we did this all the time in kindergarten. I've decided that this is something I MUST do. In my heart I know that this is where I should be, but the repetitive things that I do everyday is what gets to me. Prior to working for my company, I had been doing freelance work, and before that, I was in publishing where I had no set schedule and I could wear anything I wanted. Well I still can, pretty much, but my schedule here is packed everyday.

So that being said, I can still say that I am having fun and learning a lot. It's been a surreal past 3 years for me because I have started achieving what I had always dreamt of. Now, the challenge is for me to keep pushing myself and to stay focused. There are still so many things I can do with this life that has been give to me.

Wow. It's a friday and I feel so melancholic. Damn, I think I need a drink.

Hello World!

As my first official blog entry, I find it fitting to share with you my "thought for the day" which I get in my email every day. It helps me start the day with clarity and enthusiasm.

"Make Today a Breeze Not a Battle.Never fight. Nothing is worth fighting for. Wisdom never fights, it waits patiently, speaks positively, releases easily, sees benefit in everything and envisions a future of abundance...knowing that all needs will be met at the right moment, in the right way. If you think life is a struggle you will always be struggling, If you think life is a breeze, your attitudes and actions will convey lightness and easiness. And that's what attracts everything you need, and much more. Make today a breeze not a battle."

So all my needs will be met at the right moment if I just stop struggling. I like that. I never liked struggling, nor fighting. It just weighs down on you till you're mush. Who wants to be with someone constantly walking with a dark shadow behind her? Not me. Honestly, there's just too much to be thankful for.

This isn't actually the first time I've kept an online diary. I had started one about two years ago and it's still fun reading about what I had been "preoccupied" with a few years back. Hopefully, this diary of mine will be just as meaningful, and faithful to my genuine thoughts and experiences.