Touched by an a**hole

I'm gonna make this entry short and sweet. Just a memento or a reminder to beware of the normal looking assholes that abound everywhere. So one dude befriends a girl and goes on dating another. Harmless right? Girl A thinks it's perfectly fine to have a friendship with the dude, it's not like they are dating or are even attracted to each other (she's only met him once for non business purposes), but alas, she was denied maybe three times (to a mutual friend, even) just like Judas denied Christ. Haha. I guess he didn't think it was that innocent after all, or else no need for a denial right? Of course this leaves Girl A very confused and concluding that the dude in question HAS to be bipolar and should probably be shipped back wherever he came from. Seriously, eeew right? Gross things can happen to anyone. Beware!

Rurouni Kenshin

Back in early 2000, I got hooked on this anime series called Samurai X or Rurouni Kenshin in Japanese. It tells the story of the most dangerous and skilled man slayer in the Bakamatsu era who reforms himself and submits to a life of a rurouni or a wanderer, helping people along the way with his reverse blade sword. He swears never to use his sword again to kill. Along the way he battles his demons, trying never to go back to his manslayer ways with the help of friends he meets on his journey. For me it is an honest depiction of a man's struggles with self-judgement and a belief that good can become of something that was evil. Kenshin is what every man would hope to be, strong even in his weak moments, assumes responsibility for every thought and action, and believes in one's worthiness of redemption -- it is never too late.

Musings for the year to come

It is the 19th of December just six days away from Christmas. Honestly, I didn't even feel the season creeping in. I suppose it is true, Christmas seems to be a holiday for children, what with the expectation of gifts and toys. My concern now really is changes I would like to make for the coming year. I do want to travel more next year priority is overseas but I wouldn't mind local travel either. I'm so hungry for new experiences and discovery. Definitely at the top of my list. Next I want to be more serious about my spiritual study which I intend to continue with brahma kumaris. I have put this off a lot this year and while reading books are also good, it is entirely different to have conversations with a guru. Of course I also want to commit myself to something that can help the community. I am still in the process of deciding what I would like to focus on as there are so many that need help and support. The community also means my immediate family, and I know I should have more time to spend with my mother. Lastly, I want to really identify what my vocation will be. We always talk of purpose and for me this is what should drive us to do the things we do. I have already started a small business with a few friends selling organic/natural products and I feel that this is how I see myself in the future. To encourage people to care for the environment and be healthier as a result. I have stopped eating meat for many months now and I couldn't be happier with this decision. All living things have energy and for the longest time I have felt bad about the slaughter of animals. If I can influence people in their ways, then I would have done some good already.

Messy emotions

It feels so good to be able to write again and pour my thoughts into written words. The past two and a half months have been very challenging for my family. My mom was confined in the hospital for Pneumonia and she was there for more than 6 weeks. Each day in the hospital was intense, stressful and nerve wracking. I can't think of a more difficult time in recent years. It was a horrible feeling to watch my mom in pain. Well she's back in the house now but it is still quite a challenging time for us to continue nursing her back to health. My dad likes to pride himself on his bedside doctor abilities but my mom's midwife actually left the job yesterday after he threw such a mad fit last night. I don't want to clutter my blog with details on my dad's bipolar tendencies but suffice to say, it has made things extra difficult. Since I was a child I've had an aversion for messy emotions. I hate crying and screaming fits because it takes so much away from you and accomplishes nothing. It is also weak in my eyes to lose so much control. This is how I was when I was younger, unfortunately I did go through a phase where I was emotional and irrational. That was several years back and I still cringe at the memory. Now I am back to the previous aversion I had for it. When I hear my dad screaming and just generally being irrational, I feel my disdain for it bubbling to the surface but I try my best to hide it. A man, especially should not have such a lack of control. It takes a lot of strength to have full control of your faculties. I suppose this is why I seem a little cold and unaffected to some people.

The wedding etc

Vanessa's wedding of course made all of us very sentimental but there were a lot of funny moments which I would like to enter into the archives if you will:

1. I had a blast with my co-bridesmaid Anna Bigornia, got the chance to ride with her to the venue and we have so much fun trading jokes and anecdotes on Italy. This girl is a karmic soul mate I am quite certain of it. Once, while we were waiting while Vanessa had her pictorial, she spotted alleged Korean tourists in the background and muttered, "insert Korean tourists". Naturally! Hilarious. We were in stitches and everyone of course thought we were quite mad.

2. Anna and I both have naturally curly hair, and we both wanted smoother, polished hair for the event. Well too bad we were handled by a bading hairdresser who of course like the volume on us. So the whole night Anna and I watched out for each other's hair making sure it didn't turn too poodle like.

3. Jim the groom had this crazy idea to make us dance while entering the reception area, the entourage I mean. So I was paired with Thommy who is Puerto Rican and whom Jim warned me to be a great dancer. Anyway, Livin La Vida Loca plays and this of course has everything to do with him. Anyhow, I totally went and did my little walk on my own. I totally left the guy doing whatever. Years of being single gives you VERY bad habits. Bad bad.

4. Also important to note that during the reception, all the men were pretty much lined up to dance with the Puerto Rican wife of Thommy. She had more of a Russian woman look about her but I guess that gets the juices going for the dudes. Even Vanessa's dad was chatting with her at the end of the night. Predictable men.

5. Of course the piece de resistance has something to do with liquor. I left the venue with Rosan, Carl and Darlo but we needed to visit Central Lipa before heading back to Manila. I thought I had a manageable amount of alcohol but when we got there I started feeling dizzy and like I need to throw up. So as I was walking to a nearby table or maybe my intention was to go to the bathroom, I suddenly fainted! I remember hearing Rosan's voice asking if I was ok and immediately I was conscious again. Well I banged my head on the pavement so it throbbed the whole way home. I also woke up with a pretty bad bruise on my thigh. Good times!!!

Another one bites the dust

So one of my close girlfriends got married this friday after a 2 year long distance relationship with her American navy boyfriend. It's not an exaggeration to say this one is for the books. The hours and miles logged on the plane to see each other was not the easiest and makes you think of the complete faith these two had on the relationship. It does not only take effort and time but monetary investment as well. Vanessa is lucky to have the means to do this, but this of course is probably the most inconsequential of all the elements that had to come together to make the relationship work. It was a product of faith. Faith in love, in the heavens, the universe and faith in fate itself. It was not by random accident that these two met in the manner they did and at that point in their lives. In my spiritual study of both kabbalah and the principles of brahma kumaris, we learn that karma is at work in everything we do, and that our actions produce the situations we find ourselves in. During the pronouncement of vows, Vanessa said that two years ago she must have done something right because God gave her Jim. Of course this is all karma. All their acts, thoughts and wants led them to that moment when they were both ready to commit.

Theirs is a story that while seemingly one of a kind, should be looked at as quite simple in fact. Here are two people who believed in finding "the one" and never lost faith in that. These days, people are tired and just want security in their lives. There is no grand search for the other half of your soul because of fear. There is fear of growing old alone, of missing "the boat". I have been single for many years, but it is a completely different kind of fear from the latter, it is a fear of making a horrible mistake and being compelled to live with it. I fear more sleep walking through my life than the insecurity of not having anyone at all. Regardless of my reasons, there is still fear at the root of it all and I have been unable to open myself up to possibilities and expose myself to the vulnerability of feeling anything for anyone.

And so, it has been years since I allowed myself to feel. Most of the time, I operate on a flat line, meaning there is very little that makes me feel alive. Fear has put me in such a place. Being at that wedding at that time was special because I was beginning to close myself off more and more. I saw such certainty between two people and so much faith in what they have. The 2 years before that moment where they took a chance and braved the miles separating them must have been exhilarating for its certainty and uncertainty. In the end, it was worth it. I suppose regardless if things end well or not, we must not lose our humanity and capacity to feel by building walls around our hearts. The possibility of something beautiful shared with another should be enough to take that risk. I will try to always remember this.

9/13/11

Sitting on my work desk in front of my computer, I suddenly felt this urge to do something creative. I googled Paris blogs and decided the best way to start the day was with some inspiration. Paris is one of the most beautiful places I have been to and reliving the whole experience through a stranger's words wasn't such a bad idea.

So there I was reading and soaking it up when I thought it's probably time to update my blog too. Last time I took finger to keyboard was last year and I felt it's time to channel this restlessness and this feeling of ick. Work has changed and I know do fragrances and not shoes and bags. It's been good so far but a dramatic change from what I used to do. I've had no exercise for a damn long time which is one of my problems. Plus, I've been planning on taking french lessons and can't seem to get started. Oh procrastination! Get away from me! So anyway I have a few projects in the pipleline that are sure to keep me busy in the next few months. I'm hoping this gives me more opportunities for socialization. My mom's birthday is coming up next month as well. Wheee time to get busy!